SNACK ATTACK
UNDER YOUR THUMB
JOEY'S CAMEL
THE PROBLEM
READY FOR RALPH
WEDDING BELLS
LONNIE
SALE OF THE CENTURY
THE PARTY

SNACK ATTACK
Midnight Saturday, sat in the dark
Watching the ceiling fall apart
The air conditioner's been busted for weeks
So the smell of cooking seeps through the floor
I can't eat no more
They want me to be as light as a feather
So the Doctor's wired my jaws together
Now I'm locked in my bedroom away from the food
So I lie on my back in the dark in the nude
I can't eat no more, I got to use a straw
But if the Devil dragged me down to the kitchen
I wouldn't put up a fight
I'd gladly sign away my soul for a T-bone steak tonight
I feel like Kojak sitting in a Cadillac, I gotta eat, I gotta eat a flapjack
A stack, a rack, a six pack Jack, just call me Jack Kerouac
Click clack open up the hatchback I could eat a bubble car or a packamack
Pattacake, pattacake Big Mac
Good God it's a snack attack
Gimme sausage, egg and beans and chips, milkshakes, clambakes, fondue and dips
& sauces, horses, 17 courses of barbecued beef with asparagus tips
Rashers of bacon, bagels and lox and tandoori prawns and a box of chocs.
Spaghetti with mussels, palma hams & deep frozen waffles with syrups and jams
My willpower's gone, I'm down on my knees, praying to the God of cottage cheese
It's no good trying, I'll never beat it 'cause if it moves, I'll eat it
So undo my trousers, let out the slack
Who cares it's a snack attack, it's a snack attack
I feel like Kojak sitting in a Cadillac I gotta eat, I gotta eat a flapjack
A stack, a rack, a six pack Jack, just call me Jack Kerouac
Click clack open up the hatchback I could eat a bubble car or a packamack
Pattacake, pattacake Big Mac
Good God it's a snack attack
It's a snack attack, it's a snack attack, it's a snack attack
My father was a gent's outfitter
My mother went crazy, they had to admit her
They used to tell me don't be a quitter
But I know deep down I'm the runt of the litter
I can't eat no more, I got to use a straw
How do you take an overdose or pretend to do it
When the last straw is the one in your mouth
And you can't suck sleepers through it
I can't eat no more, I got to use a straw
But if the Devil took me to Mexico to taste his guacamole
I'd gladly sign my name in blood and give him the keys to my soul
Because I can't eat no more.
I feel like Kojak sitting in a Cadillac I gotta eat, I gotta eat a flapjack
A stack, a rack, a six pack Jack, just call me Jack Kerouac
Click clack open up the hatchback I could eat a bubble car or a packamack
Pattacake, pattacake Big Mac
Good God it's a snack attack
Midnight Sunday asleep on the floor, curled up in the corner
I can't take no more
Armies of food invade my sleep, led by lasagne's ten inches deep
My head is pounding, my heart is beating
Cows are mooing, sheep are bleating
I'm being haunted by all the meat I've eaten
And then a burglar alarm goes off in my head
And I wake up screaming, am I dead or alive
And the clock says five
It's only 5 in the morning, I'm covered in sweat
Am I hungry, you bet!
Cold turkey's what I'm going through, cold turkey's what I nee
But they hung a sign on my appetite saying 'Danger, Do Not Feed'
I can't eat no more, I got to use a straw, I can't eat no more, I can't eat no more
And they've even taken away the pictures of food I had on my wall
And my treasured collection of Menu's they screwed up into a ball
In front of my face hey flicked it out of the window into the night
But they'll never unscramble the combination
They'll never get it right
Now if they made a feature film that featured only food
I'd wallow in the crowd scenes while the rest of the audience booed
And if I got myself a video I could satisfy the need
I could check out the action frame by frame and watch the calories breed
But I can't eat no more, I got to use a straw
I feel like Kojak sitting in a Cadillac I gotta eat, I gotta eat a flapjack
A stack, a rack, a six pack Jack, just call me Jack Kerouac
Click clack open up the hatchback I could eat a bubble car or a packamack
Pattacake, pattacake Big Mac
Good God it's a snack attack

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UNDER YOUR THUMB
I was standing in the station being pounded by the rain
So I chose the last compartment of a stationary train
I felt someone get in behind me but I never caught their eye
But I thought I heard a woman's voice whispering goodbye
So I lay down in the darkness with the beer and coffee stains
And I stared out at the thunder through the broken window panes
And although the storm was booming like an engine in the sky
I'm sure I heard a woman's voice cry
Don't wanna be under your thumb for ever
Don't wanna be under your thumb for ever
Don't wanna be under your thumb
It's over and done
I'll never be under your thumb for ever
So I rolled myself a cigarette and smoked it on my own
But it didn't stop the whispers or the smell of her cologne
Then she rose up out of nowhere and her hair was full of steam
And she stuck her head out the window and screamed
Don't wanna be under your thumb for ever
Don't wanna be under your thumb for ever
Don't wanna be under your thumb
It's over and done
I'll never be under your thumb for ever
So I picked up an old newspaper to read
And I noticed something very strange indeed
So I looked a little closer and it chilled me to the bone
Woman throws herself from speeding train, identity unknown
But I recognised the picture of the woman who was dead
And underneath the picture it said
Don't wanna be under your thumb for ever
Don't wanna be under your thumb for ever
Don't wanna be under your thumb
It's over and done
I'll never be under your thumb for ever

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JOEY'S CAMEL
Dear Mother,
I'm lying on a white hot blanket wishing you were here
We're a thousand miles from Cairo and it's taken us a year to get this far
Dear Mother,
I've grown a beard in the last three weeks and I can't see nothing but sand
You wouldn't recognise me Mother, but I knew you'd understand
Dear Mother,
We spend the nights under canvas dreaming of ice cold beer
And we spend the days in the desert, I miss you Mother dear
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Dear Mother,
We found the Ten Commandments Mother, just like I said we would
But somebody broke our compass Mother, and the water is no good
And Beau said it was sabotage so I laughed at him and said
Mother wouldn't let that happen beau, but beau was dead
So I left him in the sand dunes and I struck out on my own
With a page of hieroglyphics and the tablets of stone
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Dear Mother,
They attacked while I was sleeping, dreaming of ice cold beer
But when they saw what I was carrying they backed away in fear
They said the hand of God is upon you, it is written on the wall
Dear Mother,
They must have thought I was Elijah or something with the beard and all
So they led me to the catacombs, the walls were lined with bones
And a voice said he'd give me three of his wives for just a glimpse of the stones
Dear Mother,
I said that I had lost them, they were buried in the shifting sands
But they said if I didn't give them the tablets they'd cut off both my hands
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Dear Mother,
I'm running out of water, Mother, the map was a fake
Now I'm stuck on the Devil's Anvil, Mother, payin' for Beau's mistake
I woke up in a sandstorm, I'd had a terrible dream
I'd broken the Ten Commandments, Mother, I began to scream
But something else was out there following the scent
And it cast the shadow of a cobra on the walls of the tent
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Dear Mother,
I hadn't got a rifle or a dagger or a sword,
So my only other weapon was the word of the Lord
So when it wrapped itself around my body and it started crushing bones
I had to make a decision Mother, it was me or the stones
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Dear Mother,
I'm lying on a white hot blanket, wishing you were here
I'm a thousand miles from Cairo and it's taken me a year
To get this far, to get this far
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)
Riding on Joey's camel (how did you escape?)

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THE PROBLEM
If a man, A, who weighs 11 stone leaves from his home at 8.30 in the morning in a car whose consumption is 16.25 mpg at an average speed of 40mph to his office which is 12 miles away and he stops for a coffee on the way for 15 minutes and also puts air in one of his tyres which has a slow puncture letting out air at a rate of 2lbs per square inch per mile travelled when the car is moving at 32mph and he picks up a hitch-hiker B who weighs 14 stone plus suitcase. But hitch-hiker B, who is a political activist distributes leaflets from his suitcase each of which weigh an ounce, at the scale of two leaflets per person at every Bus Stop, and every vehicle on either side of them at every red traffic light during the journey which includes 20 Bus Stops with an average of 6 people per stop, 5 lorries each with a passenger one of which exchanged a Yorkie Bar weighing an ounce for 12 of the leaflets, and 2 coaches each containing 51 people, 7 of which from one coach returned the leaflets and 16 people from the other coach who asked for a further leaflet each for a member of one of their families. Assuming that man A then had to travel a further 2.86 miles out of his way to drop off hitch-hiker B, how late would man A be in arriving at the office by 9.30am? If he still had 6 miles to travel and his watch was running 23 mins slow but the clock at the office was running 2 min's faster than his was, in fact 17 min's and 3 sec's ahead of the correct time which was 2.30 in the morning in Caracas. If when 5 miles from the office he telephoned to his boss to apologise for being late but was told by his boss C, to pick up a package 2.63 miles away from his present location and deliver it to client D, in Bristol, by train, by 4.30 that afternoon, and at the same time man D was mistakenly told to come to London to receive same package from man A. Now man A's train, train 1, left 30 min's late but man D's train, train 2, left 5 min's early so when the trains passed each other, train 1 was travelling at 75mph to make up for lost time and train 2 was travelling at 52 mph. Would man A reach Bristol earlier or later according to his watch which was now running 5 min's slower than man D's would have been, had he not got off the train and checked the correct time at a station between Bristol and London and stopped to phone A's boss, man C, to double check A would be there to meet him and discover his mistake, catch next train, train 3, back to Bristol, which unlike A's train 1, which stopped at 4 stations on the way for 6 min's, each stop, was an express train. D's train caught up with A's train 14 miles from Bristol. As the trains drew alongside each other A's train was travelling at 12mph and D's train was travelling at 13.6mph and man A was sat in front, how long would it take to fill the bath?

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READY FOR RALPH
The room is ready for Ralph, the room is ready for Ralph
The room is ready, they've readied the room
The room is ready for Ralph, come in Ralph
Ralph here is the room ready, is the room ready for Ralph?
Ralph here is the room ready, is the room ready for Ralph?
The room is ready for Ralph, Ralph, the room is ready for Ralph
The room is ready for Ralph, we've readied the room Ralph
And the room is ready Ralph, come in Ralph
Ralph's not here, is the room ready, is the room ready for Rose?
Ralph's not here, is the room ready for Rose?
No, Rose, the room is only ready for Ralph, Rose
We've readied the room for Ralph
The room is ready for Ralph, Rose, the room is ready for Ralph.
Come in Ralph, come in Ralph.
Is the room ready for Barry, is the room ready for Barry.
Ralph's not here, is the room ready, is the room ready for Barry?
No, Barry, the room isn't ready for Barry but the room is ready for Ralph
The room is ready for Ralph, the room is ready for Ralph, come in Ralph
Is the room ready for Roy, is the room ready for Roy
Is the room ready, the room ready, is the room ready for Roy?
The room's only ready for Ralph, the room's only ready for Ralph, Roy
The room is ready for Ralph and they've readied the room for Ralph, Roy
The room is ready for Ralph, the room is ready for Ralph
The room is ready, they've readied the room
The room is ready for Ralph, come in Ralph
Is the room ready for Rod?

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WEDDING BELLS
I should have told you all I wanted was to have some fun
But you wanted me to be the permanent one, yes you did
Now when we're in the movies or the back of a car
You always stop me when I go too far
I should have known you'd always keep me waiting
For those Wedding Bells, those Wedding Bells
Oh we could talk all night but you won't understand
(Don't leave me in the lurch today)
The only words you want to hear are Do you take this man?
(In church today)
Does the lull in conversation mean the penny's droppin'
You should have known that I was only window shoppin'
It's my clumsy way of sayin' that we should be stoppin'
Those Wedding Bells, those Wedding Bells
I'm like a square peg in a round hole, I don't belong here, baby
Don't need a fanfare or a drum roll to tell you, baby
I don't belong to you, baby
Oh you say it's not important, but I know what you're thinkin'
'Cause every time we kiss, I feel your kisses stingin'
In the back of my mind I know you'll always be ringin'
Those Wedding Bells, those Wedding Bells
I know I should have told you all I wanted was to have some fun
(That was yesterday)
but you wanted me to be the permanent one
(Say yes today)
Oh I'd do it but the pleasure isn't worth the pain
We'd run out of track before we got on the train
Can't you hear the sound of heartstrings snappin' under the strain of
Those Wedding Bells, those Wedding Bells
Those Wedding Bells, those Wedding Bells

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LONNIE
Lonnie Garamond was disturbed by the face
That looked back at him from the bathroom mirror
He looked older than he remembered
It was as if all forty-two years of his life
Had suddenly leapfrogged over each other
And crash landed in his face
He was middle-aged and the truth hit him
Like a man with no parachute
The eyes were golf-balls
The skin hung on his face like a cheap suit
And the trapdoor of greasy black frizz
That he combed from one side of his head to the other
To hide his baldness
In reality emphasised it
It was 2:30 in the morning Nov. 22nd 1963 and Lonnie couldn't sleep
Lonnie took a last look at the face
And popped another sleeping tablet
Under his sandpaper tongue
And slipped into a cold, dark sleep
The last thing Lonnie saw
Before his eyes finally closed
Was his camera watching him
From the other side of the Motel room
But the camera wasn't loaded yet
Lonnie Garamond was a loser
Lonnie Garamond was a loser
Lonnie Garamond was a loser
And he really hated being that
Lonnie's body clock woke him at 8:30 sharp
He stabbed a button by his bed
And the TV crackled into life
Showing the crowds already gathering
In Dealy Plaza
He showered, shaved, and slipped into an Ivy League jacket
And brown slacks and loaded the camera
The Stetson put the icing on the southern cake
And he headed for the parking lot
Leaving the key behind in his room
He knew he wouldn't be coming back
Lonnie Garamond was a loser
Lonnie Garamond was a loser
Lonnie Garamond was a loser
And he really hated being that
Lonnie parked the Buick and ran down Pacific St.
It was 12.15 and he wanted to be outside
The Texas School Book Depository
Before the motorcade came down Elm St.
12.20
He elbowed his way through a group of good ol' boys
And stood next to a kid in a wheelchair
Waving a Confederate flag
12.25
He took off the lens cap
And lit his first cigarette for two years
He checked the focus one last time
And blew a smoke ring
Into the blue Dallas heat haze
12.30
He ground the Lucky Strike under the heel of his boot
And calmly squeezed off three shots
Lonnie put the camera back into its case
And melted into the panic
Lonnie Garamond was a loser
Lonnie Garamond was a loser
Lonnie Garamond was a loser
And he really hated being that

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SALE OF THE CENTURY
If they auctioned my heart
On The Sale of the Century
Would it still be there
At the end of the show?
Would the Quizmaster-man
Call it a booby prize
'Cause nobody wanted to know
If they auctioned my heart
Would you open the bidding?
Or would you stand at the back
And blend into the crowd?
When the hammer comes down
Would you still be around
To watch me going, going, I'm gone
I've gone Yvonne
You're left alone
You'll find my keys on the table
I never wrote
A goodbye note
I didn't think I'd be able
To put down the way I've been feeling
Deep inside me the brakes are squealing
But I've never done
A hit and run
But Yvonne I've gone, away
When the hammer comes down
Will you still be around?
To watch me going, going, gone
I've gone again
I've gone Yvonne
You're left alone
You'll find my keys on the table
I never wrote
A goodbye note
I didn't think I'd be able
To put down the way I've been feeling
Deep inside me the brakes are squealing
But I've never done
A hit and run
But Yvonne I've gone, away
If they auctioned my heart
On The Sale of the Century
Please try to make sure
That you are there
'Cause Lot 59
Is this old heart of mine
And it's going, going, nowhere
I've gone Yvonne
You're left alone
You'll find my keys on the table
I never wrote
A goodbye note
I didn't think I'd be able
To put down the way I've been feeling
Deep inside me the brakes are squealing
But I've never done
A hit and run
But Yvonne I've gone, away

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